


i wanna be your left hand man

by prosecutorpumpkin



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Typical Unethical Experimentation, Childhood Trauma, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pre-Kingdom Hearts II, Slow Burn, brief mentions of suicidal ideation, canon divergent backstory, there's a trippy dream sequence in the back half
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 20:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prosecutorpumpkin/pseuds/prosecutorpumpkin
Summary: Saix is not a man who gets out often, but Xigbar is determined to see what he's like outside of office hours.Neither expected personal revelations.





	i wanna be your left hand man

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before KH3 came out, so all the backstory described is firmly canon divergent. That said, I hope it's still a fun read regardless!

Within the halls of the Organization’s stronghold, the Castle That Never Was, the only place Saix bothered to reside, half the time, was his own room.

A room that had become an office; in life, he had never been too apt at keeping work separate from home, and now that work and home had sprung from the same white annals, he had lost any semblance of ‘himself’ to the flow of paper after paper after paper. The paperwork marked time. A larger pile became a shorter pile, a file that was empty was filled and then shoved into waiting slots. Like the rhythm of drums, the rapping of the other members’ knuckles against his door became a pattern. The lighter knocks of Zexion, always first to turn his in, filtered in during the early hours and marked the morning despite the lack of sun. Demyx’s lazy but musician like taps ended the night, barely shoved into Saix’s hands during the last minutes of the day they were due.

He rarely saw worlds outside of this, the endless night of the Nobodies’. A silver lined cage where he tossed empty glances at the black void outside of his window. Someone had to stay behind while the others went on their missions. It was an important, solemn duty.

A necessary one.

A lonely one.

From time to time, the Isa of the past would peek into the corner’s of Saix’s mind, chiding him for how his life had turned out...well, his unlife. How the curiosity of that child had been squashed; a budding scientist’s mind flattened out and compartmentalized and made to do glorified secretarial work while the exploratory quests were given to members who didn’t even appreciate them.

The stamp in Saix’s hand landed with a heavy thud against the next stack of papers. “Filed”.

The usual, predictable silence was broken suddenly, with a cheerful knock and a carefree call.

“Hey, Saix. How about you come with me for the day?”

His hand froze in mid air, still gripping the stamp, as if he had been stopped in time. Slowly, he turned, and met the eyes...eye...of Xigbar, who was leaning against the door’s frame, having opened the door without so much as an invitation. Not that the Organization’s Number II would need one.

“II” was an important number. The unspoken second-in-command, a rank of hushed respect. Xigbar did nothing that demanded it. He possessed the rugged, squared features of an older man, the salt-and-pepper streaks through his hair lending an air of wild dignity...and as far as Saix could tell, it was age alone that Xemnas had given him his rank. The Freeshooter was easygoing, did his work but did it lackadaisically, disciplined but always with a smile blooming at the corners of his mouth.

What about him was more worthy to hold the rank of “II” above Saix, who labored seriously day after day, who held himself with the utmost discipline, who made himself the most useful man in the Organization...in his opinion?

Saix dropped his shoulders, though his face remained stiff, knowing it was pointless to demand the other leave.

“I don’t do missions.”

“You could use the exercise,” Xigbar said with a knowing glint in his eye. “I’ve never seen you in action, and the curiosity’s just burning a hole right through me.”

“You have seen me fight before.”

“But I haven’t seen you _work_.”

Saix rose an eyebrow, a quiet challenge to the statement, but Xigbar did not elaborate.

“I don’t know why you’d take an interest in what I do and do not do in front of you, Xigbar,” said Saix mildly, and turned his eyes back to his work. “Surely the Superior finds nothing wrong with it.”

“Maybe not, but this isn’t about what the Superior wants.” Xigbar’s tone pitched down, enticing. “I want to see what you got. You’re the adjutant here...I just wanna see if you’re worthy of that title.”

Muscle tightened in Saix’s face, eyes narrowing, and he faced Xigbar once more.

"So I have to prove myself to you now, do I?”

“You don’t have to,” Xigbar said smugly, and Saix knew that he had to.

"Very well,” Saix said, with a sigh, and put down his papers, for once incomplete.

 

* * *

 

They trudged through the purple lit darkness of the corridors, Xigbar with hands jauntily shoved in his pockets, Saix with arms straight and steps precise.

"So you know how to locate strong hearts for our mission, right?"

Saix tilted his head, pointing his nose upwards haughtily. "Of course. All Nobodies should be instinctively aware of the feeling of a strong heart. It resonates within our own hollows. We"

"We scout out the tastiest morsels," Xigbar said, cutting Saix off and licking his lips to punctuate. He laughed at the surprised look on Saix's face. "Oh, what, is this too inhumane for Mister 'Too Good for Humans'? Guess those are what you'd call 'standards', huh?"

Nobodies did not need to eat. Some did so out of habit, and yet others did so in a fruitless attempt to feel anything, even satisfaction from their old favorite foods. Still, occasionally, a Nobody could be overcome with the same urges to consume hearts as their Heartless cousins, the impulse to complete their beings with a heart, any heart, so strong that they'd sate it by shoving one down their gullets. The attempts were always wasted; consuming a heart that was not their own did nothing to fill the emptiness, and was simply a waste of a heart better suited to completing Kingdom Hearts. The practice was distasteful to Saix, though apparently not to Xigbar.

"Okay then, no lunch," he said with a shrug. "We can go without a meal today. But in all seriousness, you're right. Strong hearts are easy to spot if you let your body guide you. Just don't overthink it...but knowing you, you probably will."

Xigbar met Saix’s glare with a chuckle.

It didn’t take them long to reach the end of their trek and stumble into the salt scented air of their destination. Neverland’s vibrant teal seas glittered before Saix the moment he stepped onto the sunny beach, and he scowled as his eyes struggled to adjust to a world filled with such obnoxiously bright light.

“Now,” Xigbar’s voice sliced through Saix’s thoughts easily, and his attention snapped to. “I’m sure even a homebody like you is well acquainted with how the Organization does business. But actually carrying out these missions is a whole ‘nother animal from just sitting around and assigning them. To start with, those strong hearts I was talking about before...those are easier to find if you spend some time beforehand performing reconnaissance. Think to yourself: what are the characteristics of this world? Where would hearts that have struggled, built up strength, be located? Who would possess them?”

As Xigbar spoke, he effortlessly dodged and weaved over and around rocks connecting vast shoals, flitting across the beaches and hiding behind rocks only to peek around their faces carefully at the slightest hint of movement. For such a wide open area, where they could easily be spotted, he made hiding and scouting look like a breeze. Saix did his best to listen and follow, but his footsteps were just a hair more hesitant, his gaze a little more wavy.

“This is an isle where Pirates and Lost Boys live. The two of those groups are who we want to scout, but the Lost Boys are mostly active during the day, and have the advantage of...more imaginative thinking on their side, shall we say.” Xigbar chuckled, and Saix cocked his eyebrow.

He couldn’t have imagined any children would be more difficult to ambush than adults, but Xigbar’s thin, wide grin in his direction warned him otherwise.

“Night is dangerous, but the reward...the reward is gonna be much greater. The hearts of men, drenched in sin...maaan, what a treasure that would be. And those pirates thought they had to hunt for it!” Another laugh from Xigbar lit across the air, and Saix felt it ring through his hollow chest.

“Anyway, we’re gonna just take our time with this place, keep tabs on the environment during the day and the night, make notes about ‘em, and make our move to strike when we can. Got it?”

“Understood.”

They slid behind more seaside cliffs, and a faint splashing sound caught Saix’s ears. His eyebrows knit together as glittering peals of laughter joined the splashing, and curiosity began to rise in his throat. Were those the Lost Boys? No...they sounded far more feminine, more dainty than would be expected of those ruffians. Perhaps another candidate for becoming Nobodies for their ranks? He poked his head out into the open, slowly, and his gaze immediately caught upon movement in the far distance, among the shores of another island in the chain.

Mermaids.

Perhaps the oddest part of having been exposed to worlds outside of their own as Nobodies was the discovery of creatures and species that had merely been part of Isa’s childhood fantasies. As Saix, he could now watch, with cynical eyes, actual mermaids, their scaled tails glittering joyfully in the everpresent sun as they splashed each other playfully among the keys. Creatures that would’ve made his entire lifetime now left no impact on him as he observed.

Xigbar followed his line of sight and chuckled.

“Pretty amazing, huh? Like seeing goddesses in the flesh.”

Saix turned his eyes from the scene and tucked some hair behind his ear as if to sweep the thought away from his mind.

“The Styxii were supposed to be legendary servants of the Gods...but here they are, playing around on another world, as unremarkable as any man.” He frowned. “How little we knew, for a world that prided itself on progress.”

He was abruptly cut off from those bitter thoughts as water suddenly hit his face, followed by Xigbar’s rowdy laughter.

“Lighten up, would you? Sheesh. I know reminders of home aren’t the most pleasant of things, but buck up. Splashin’ in the water like this...you telling me you don’t have any good memories of that?”

The sudden shock left Saix wordless for a moment, before he turned around to walk some yards away and sit somewhat disdainfully on a boulder. Every Gardener worth their salt had memories of the Festivals of Life held every solstice. The run into the bay surrounding the Capitol, kids splashing around in the fountains that had been opened to the public. Even the guards had gotten into it, dumping buckets of water and flowers into the streets to christen the cycles of Life and Water. Surely, there had to be a pleasant memory buried in there...Xigbar knew, but Saix doubted. He had no idea why II would care to begin with; surely it was nothing more than to get Saix to stop moping...or simulating moping.

Which was guaranteed more pathetic than actual emotion at this point.

Saix groaned, and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“C’mon,” Xigbar piped up, and Saix lifted his head. “Get off that rock, you’re gonna make yourself obvious. Time here in this world is short, but memories stick around a little longer, right? You’ll have plenty of time to reflect on your bitterness after the mission.”

He didn’t need to be corrected twice. With a disdainful sweep of his coat, he stood, and the two of them continued their tread across the land.

Many things caught Saix’s eye, but none made any significant impact; the curiously pitched warbling of birds did nothing to enchant him, the interplay of sun and mist and white sands brought no charm. Instead, they were catalogued in his mind, an analytical list to be written down on his report upon return. A report that would never even see the Superior’s eyes; as often as he demanded the work be done with promptness, Saix had rarely seen the pages upon pages of research come to fruition. Mostly, they distracted him, kept him from boredom. Made him feel….feel….important.

He banished those thoughts from his mind.

Too quickly, night fell. Saix found it a welcome reprieve; though nothing but glorified corpses, their bodies still glistened with sweat, and the cool ocean breeze was far more refreshing under cover of night. The two had wound their way to the last of the chain’s islands, a cozy little thing filled with palms, and with cliffs and caves that rose high above its shores.

“Finally,” Saix sighed, casting a glance over the darkened sea. ‘The time has come for the strongest hearts to shine.”

“You got it. The pirates are gonna start returning to their coves real soon...and it’s easier to trap prey when they’re caught off guard, thinking they’re all safe ‘n sound.” Xigbar flashed a cocky, toothy grin in Saix’s direction. “And I think I hear our friends already!”

Saix’s ears strained against the clash of waves and began to pick up the sound of laughter. Hearty, rugged, and definitely drunken; without a doubt the pirates they were in search of. The sound echoed and bounced in such a way that he was certain the pirates were in some sort of cave, most likely the one on the other side of the cliffs the two Nobodies were pressed against. Xigbar had apparently drawn the same conclusion; with solid, purposeful steps, he strode around the rocks with the self assured stride of a career soldier. The hushed snicker confirmed Saix’s theory.

Light was thrown out from the entrance of the cave, flickering back and forth. Someone had started a fire within, just in time for their funeral.

Saix held back, hidden within the shadowy points of the cliff, and watched, eyes slit and focused, ears attuned sharply.

“Aah...pirates. Men who go out looking for adventure, always ready to put their lives on the line...isn’t that right?” Xigbar’s voice echoed lazily in the distance.

Peering around the corner, Saix could see the way Xigbar’s form seemed to meld into the darkness itself, eye catching the light of the encampment’s fire; yellow eyeshine flickered in the night like some feral beast’s. The Freeshooter had barely stuck his foot in the flickering circle of light cast by the fire, and already Saix could hear shouts and the clanking of metal as the pirates within scrambled to their weapons.

He didn’t waste time.

There was a shift: Xigbar moved his arm as Saix watched some clearly inebriated, filthy man stumble forward with a dagger, and he could barely make out the gesture of an open palm collapsing into a clenched fist.

That was all it took. Purple flashed like lightning, bouncing from wooded corner to wooded corner, a deadly ballet. The sound was like a whip crack and echoed like thunder as the magic ammunition pierced just slightly left of center the man’s chest.

A bullseye through the heart.

There was a second’s worth of silence...and then the atmosphere broke, horrified shouts echoing throughout the cavern as the pirate’s body slumped lifelessly to the ground. His comrades barely had time to launch a counter attack as more beautiful purple strobes flew, leaving _thunk_ after _thunk_ in their wake as all the men were slewn. Saix counted the morbid sounds as they fell. Three...four….five men, dead.

Saix’s ears twitched as Xigbar let out a long, low whistle.

“Alright, alright. Show’s over. Thanks, Snipers, nice work tonight.” There was light rustling as something shifted in the trees, and pools of darkness burst aside Xigbar, pirouetting Snipers spinning into existence. They saluted and bowed, and then vanished without a trace. Saix slowly moved his way over to the scene, finding himself, surprisingly, impressed.

“My, Xigbar...I had difficulty believing you had actually pulled your weight back in the guard at first, what with that attitude. I may have to reconsider that.”

Xigbar chuckled darkly, and Saix turned around to face the fallen bodies, hiding the way his lips started to betray him by smirking at the sound.

“So, show me how it’s done,” he demanded, sweeping his arm across the bodies.

Immediately, he sensed he had said something wrong. Xigbar’s cackling halted too quickly. When Saix turned to meet his gaze, Xigbar was tilting his head quizzically, as if looking down to a small child. He was disappointed. Despite himself, Saix felt his body react in embarrassment, stomach curling in on itself. Stupid. Awful. Old memories of being looked at the same way tormented him physically like old wounds.

“You really haven’t gotten out much, have you?” Xigbar muttered with a shake of his head.

Saix had no idea why this disappointment was affecting him...they were both emotionless, plenty of people had already written Saix off as a lost cause, but why...why did it matter now?

“Relax, VII, I’m not gonna chew you out for it. Seriously, it’s fine. Drop your shoulders, yeah?”

Saix hadn’t even noticed he was tensing so much, and relaxed his muscles as best he could. Instantly, some of the creeping sensation...the unpleasantness of _feeling_ ...melted away. That’s right, he reminded himself. Emotionless creatures reacting purely according to memory didn’t _have_ to suffer.

“You’re right; I’m not so proud that I won’t admit when I’m a novice at something.” Saix let out a hissing breath in an attempt to relieve the rest of the pressure inside of him. “What did I say wrong? Explain. The Superior would not be pleased with ignorance, after all.”

His eyes dropped once more to the bodies on the floor before widening. The bodies now all seemed to be out of focus, as if someone had put a filthy lens over the scene. Xigbar strode beside him, and cocked an arm onto Saix’s shoulder, leaning in.

“You’re about to find out.” Saix felt a shudder rise up his back at the words, though not for the ghoulish amusement laced in them; Xigbar was so close...his breath wisped gently against Saix’s ear. “Pay close attention, Bluebird.”

As if on cue, a flash of light burst from the chests and backs of the bodies, radiating outwards into an orb that gently diffused into the surrounding environment. If aesthetic appreciation were merely a logical process, and not an emotional one (Saix justified to himself) he had no issue in calling them ‘beautiful’.

As the hearts floated upward, Saix felt suddenly, physically, his chest respond in a familiar pain. The sight of heart detached from body made his scar ache. Beauty was replaced by disgust. Something in his memory was responding to this...he knew what it was, but he didn’t want to dwell. The fire that flickered tinted everything oranges and reds…

With a snap of his fingers, Xigbar summoned a swarm of Heartless: mere Shadows, but they would be the vanguard of the to be Heartless invasion of this world. Saix watched with cold, analytical eyes as the bug like creatures twitched their curious antennae, taking less than a second to register the presence of hearts, and lunged to consume them. As they absorbed the hearts, wisps and pieces of darkness were crushed out of the hearts themselves, swirling and forming into new Heartless...new Shadows. All five hearts vanished in short order, and for a moment, the bulging yellow eyes rounded on Xigbar and Saix, creeping forward...before recognizing their lack of hearts. Twitching, they sank into the darkness of the night and flitted elsewhere, to begin and breed anew.

The remaining bodies, however, did nothing. A thin frown started to cross Saix’s face. Had Xigbar messed up? It would figure that it would be when Saix was present and trying to learn-

_Twitch._

Saix’s attention snapped to the present.

 _Warble_.

A sound so unusual that the closest Saix could compare it to was like a thin sheet of metal rippling in high winds echoed through the cave. Two of the bodies were convulsing. With a noise like knife through fabric, they suddenly _unzipped_ ; zippers appeared on their chests, their mouths, and pulled apart as though they were nothing more than man shaped costumes. They contorted, folding in over themselves--completely hollow, with nothing inside--and darkness enveloped them while the remaining bodies merely dissolved into light.

After what felt like hours but in reality was most likely no more than a second or two, white, bound fingers emerged from their dark cocoon. A Dusk. And from the other dark anomaly came something small, flapping relentlessly into the open--a Creeper.

Two incredibly low level servants. No doubt they’d merely be put to work doing menial tasks, or being used as further fuel for the fire of their World rending machine...but the way they had sprung to unlife in front of Saix, who had never seen such an occurrence before...those basic, ugly creatures almost brought back memories of ‘awe’. He scrunched his face the moment the thought crossed his mind, and with a disinterested swipe of his hand banished the Dusks into the void once more, where they would find their own way to The World That Never Was.

“Talk about a cold welcome. You didn’t even give ‘em Xemnas’s famous four hour orientation speech...now, just what would the big guy think of that?” Xigbar’s hand clapped on Saix’s shoulder before he backed off and started kicking dirt into the fire to smother it. “We should start moving. Humans don’t take long to notice the feeling of death in the air. You really don’t know how good they are at picking out the unknown until you’re not _one of them_ anymore.”

“I’ve always known,” Saix said, and an empty grin flitted across his face. “Humankind has always been cliquish. Judgemental creatures...discriminating on the slightest of differences. Figuring out ways to pick who does not belong like trying to discern the runt of the litter.”

He stepped outside of the cave to throw his gaze to the stars that had begun to twinkle over the vast sea. The emptiness in his chest resonated--how familiar the nighttime in this world was, with its gentle waters glistening and lush vegetation blooming under the moon. Almost identical to the atmosphere of Radiant Garden.

“In that way, I would say we are vastly superior.”

“But, Nobody or not, you were still raised human. Who’s to say you’ve completely outgrown that particular flaw?”

“Emotion plays no role in my judgements. What could that be other than objectively more fair? A decision made purely on logic.”

“Logic, and memory. Right? And memory ain’t infallible.”

“...I trust it more than I trust the same humans who would decide based on whim what is and is not valuable.” Saix sighed, his memories flickering like thumbing through a scrapbook.

Classmates, parents, scholars. Who were they to say what the young Isa was most valuable for? What of that boy’s dreams and passions had been less acceptable than his peers? He, on some level, took false...surely false...pleasure in the idea that he had now ascended to such a high position within the Organization. Value was his to acknowledge as he pleased...and this time, without the folly of emotion to render it flawed.

“That’s fine ‘n all, but right now what’s most valuable is making sure none of _this_ leads back to us. Get back over here and lend a hand.”

It didn’t take long for them to clean up the scene, especially with Xigbar’s Space powers scooping out bloodstained sand and righting tipped chests back into place with ease. Saix focused his energy on going through the little trinkets the pirates had collected and making sure it looked scattered by drunken men and not drunken men who had a fatal encounter with an otherworldly beast.

Coins, swords, damp gunpowder left out to dry--very little that was of interest to the blue-haired corpse rifling through their remains. Saix felt the metallic bite of displeasure rise in response; was this really all these men had come to value? Possessions...possessions...possessions.

When given the emotions of the heart that Saix chased--when given curiosity, desire, longing, and the ability to feel satisfaction--was the best they could do hoarding shiny objects? Playing an endless game of hide and seek with eternally young children? Had none of them bothered to look past their caves and beaches? Look to the moon? Even further?

“These men really were worthless,” Saix muttered, and Xigbar responded with his back turned as he gave a disinterested flick through some ledgers.

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when your world is stuck in stasis. The Lost Boys don’t grow up...and the ones that did before they got trapped here, well,” he gestured broadly, flicking his gaze to the corners of the cave. “They didn’t grow up much either.”

“How tragic.”

“At least they died doing what they loved,” Xigbar laughed, giving an open bottle a whiff, before immediately pulling back his face and stifling a cough. “Holy shit, this is strong. Yeah, I’d love things a lot more too if I was guzzling this all day.”

“Try not to take it back with you.”

“As if. Let’s get moving.”

Saix didn’t need to be told twice. He trekked outside the cave once more, sighing at how monotonous the whole mission was. Was an overnight really necessary? Xigbar said that Neverland had substantially different day and night lives, that staying a full day and night was necessary to scope out the world in the detail it demanded, but so far it had been nothing but mundane. Saix let his eyes drift downward, aimlessly scanning grains of sand--just enough of a distraction that he didn’t hear Xigbar’s rapid footsteps.

“Is that them? Is that Pan’s crew?!”

“ _Saix!_ ”

The weight of Xigbar’s body slammed solidly into Saix’s back, throwing the both of them onto the ground. Within the seconds that it took for the sand to grind against Saix’s locked jaw, the air surged and a cannonball whizzed over their heads, crashing into the treeline behind them. Xigbar was cursing, chest heaving as he crouched low over the other man, eye locked onto the ship that had become clear in the distance.

“Waters be damned, looks like the rest of their crew was patrolling the shore this whole time...fuck.”

Bones and joints started to make sickening cracking sounds as Saix’s features started to shift: teeth growing larger and awkwardly in his mouth, budding claws straining against his leather gloves. The light of the moon started to burn coldly against his skin as he growled, elbowing Xigbar off of him.

“They will join their comrades in the darkness of oblivion, then--”

The ship in the distance became busy with the tiny figures of men running about the deck. Xigbar’s frown deepened.

“Down, boy. I don’t think these guys are planning to drop anchor, and I don’t know if you forgot but you’re short range only.”

“ _Ready!_ ”

Saix watched as Xigbar’s lone eye scanned rapidly across the horizon, as though weaving through a multitude of calculations in his head. His eyes still burned, light starting to spill out of them. Short range only? He wasn’t useless, he wasn’t--

“ _Aim!_ ”

“They’re too far for even my arrows to reach without setting up my Snipers to ricochet ‘em in advance.” Xigbar scrambled to his feet, and Saix bit back a gasp as the movement shook him from his building rage. He had to accept he couldn’t help here….and instinctively followed, standing behind Xigbar’s back with teeth still grit.

“ _Fire!_ ”

Flames roared in the distance, heated balls of steel pushed forward by billowing curls of deep gray smoke. The cannonballs were in front of their faces in the blink of an eye, and Saix inhaled--

Xigbar threw out his arms and the world stopped.

The sheer energy released blew Saix’s hair back, pressing against his skin with immense pressure. For a moment, it seemed as though the land had swapped places with the sky; enveloped in blue-black darkness, stars sparkled and danced around Saix’s field of vision. Swirling nebulas wooshed by, and pink galactic clouds burst into view in the corner of his vision. Had he a heart, it surely would’ve stopped. He could only feel his mouth form a small “o” all tension being released in a small gasp of surprise...and then it was gone.

The wall of Space collapsed in on itself, sucking the cannonballs into its twisting void, warping and bending and stretching as reality itself bent to Xigbar’s will. And then, in a flash, the cannonballs were thrown back out with lightning speed, shot back across the ocean with as much momentum as they had come, knocking into the masts of the ship while its crew flew about shouting.

Saix’s eyes lingered on Xigbar’s back, the figure of him dark against the fires that began to light across the ship’s deck in the distance. He knew Number II must’ve been powerful. With that lackadaisical attitude and those ever ready quips, he was inclined to believe that even that power was surely overhyped. How could that man have been a guard, an Apprentice, a proper second-in-command?

Xigbar threw a glance over his shoulder, his good eye glinting smugly, with a smile bright and wide as if reading Saix’s mind and bragging ‘You never thought I could be like this, did you?’. It was in that moment that Saix had noticed his throat had gone dry, and he swallowed sharply.

“Thank you,” was all he could manage. Xigbar laughed, and Saix could tell he knew more had been left unsaid.

It didn’t take too long to find a different cave, one on a different, slightly larger island. Though furnished with things like a dart and board, a chipped and gashed table, and littered with bottles, everything had a thin sheen of dust as if it had been abandoned for months. Saix began to clear the area to sit, while Xigbar eyed the dartboard and one of the abandoned knives lain across the table. Xigbar’s hand closed around the handle and, bouncing it twice, chucked it at the board.

The knife whiffed by Saix’s head, cutting thin blue strands as if Xigbar, in all his infinite wisdom, had decided petty games were the best way to deliver a haircut. Were he human, Saix may have yelped. Were he human, he may have even been angry.

Instead, he snorted. Brushed an indifferent hand against the two or three strands that had been cut. Internally noted, briefly and with a frown, that such a close call left his chest as calm and free of panic as usual.

“Work on your aim, Number II.”

“What, did you want it to hit _you_ , Saix? After all that effort I put into saving your ass earlier?” Xigbar mused curiously, eye scanning up and down Saix’s body as if searching for a physical chink in metaphorical armor.

“Perhaps,” came the response, and with more bite than intended. Saix noticed, too late, how overly _emotional_ it had come out. Xigbar’s head cocked back, and he looked down his nose at the younger man, face blank, smooth, in control...as a Nobody should be.

“Maybe that cannonball would’ve squashed you, but you know good and damn well a knife through the head won’t kill you. Maybe not even two. ‘Cuz, in case you’ve forgotten,” Saix’s gaze fell to the floor as he knew where he was going, “we’re not human. We lack a lot of things...or should, anyway. But it’s made up for in strength. Tons of it. Different kinds. You know what I’m saying?”

He came close, leaning into Saix’s face, nose dipped low to make eye contact.

“Don’t get too wound up about not bein’ able to help earlier.”

Saix could feel the dulled warmth coming off of the other, and was surprised how it seemed to erase the negative thoughts from his mind...how he was focused more now on how those graying streaks seemed to lend some dignity to Xigbar’s rougher features, and how the contrast between those dark eyelashes and lids brought out the brilliance of the yellow remaining eye. Xigbar reached around Saix’s shoulder to jimmy the lodged knife out of the wooden target, and plopped down onto the rotting stool. Instantly, what little warmth there was withdrew.

Instantly, Saix regretted how quickly it went.

“Fair enough,” he said, wanting to push past the awkward subject he had put forward to begin with. “At least give me my bag so I can set up for bed.”

Xigbar shrugged, unzipping the air with a flick of his finger, and reaching into the pocket void to withdraw two sleeping bags. Saix couldn’t help but knit his brow at the ability to simply have a pocket dimension at your disposal. Truly, Space was a tier of magic that was leagues beyond any other...he had never known anyone able to use it, and yet here it was being used as a simple storage device.

“Did Sage Ansem teach you that magic?” he asked stoically, catching the bag that was thrown to him. “I understand that a few of us, like myself, developed magical attributes upon becoming Nobodies, but you and a few of the others already possessed your abilities, correct?”

“Him? Nah, the Space magic is what got me noticed,” Xigbar replied, straightening out his sleeping bag and beginning to unzip from his coat. “The work study program with the Guard looks for the best of the best in their academies and guess who was top of the class.”

“They teach you Space in the Guard Corps?”

“Hell no,” the coat fell with a leathery, dull thwack against the cave floor, and Xigbar stretched. “Studied it independently. Worked my ass off to get it to a decent level. I was the only one in my class who had a clue how to wield it, let alone usefully. Ansem noticed faster than a hungry cat with a mouse.”

Saix began to echo his movements, stripping off his coat and, after a furtive glance at the other tossing his undershirt aside and rolling his shoulders, deep tan skin catching the light and revealing surprisingly sculpted muscles, removed his own shirt too. Even with nothing more than coat, shirt, gloves and boots off, Saix felt his breath quicken. A bare chest did little to strike him as scandalous, but he bit his tongue from wanting to ask if they were not just the slightest bit exposed. Though they were hard to glimpse in the moonlight, his eyes briefly lit upon varying mismatched shades of dark and light streaked copiously across Xigbar’s bare skin.

More scars?

“This, though, they taught us,” Xigbar continued, and knelt over by the entrance of the cave. Saix glanced over, but made no move to come closer, and watched Xigbar start to trace what looked to be a magic circle in the sand with a stick.

The gaping entrance flashed, as if light had caught it at just the right angle and revealed it to be covered by a large pane of glass, before dimming back to normal. With raised eyebrow, Saix wordlessly asked what had happened.

“Barrier spell. No one’ll be getting in while we’re sleeping. Just don’t step in the sand circle or anything and it’ll be good.”

Barrier spells. Space magic. Remaining logical and calm in high tension situations. Saix chewed his lip as he pondered everything Xigbar had done, wordlessly beginning to slip into his sleeping bag while the other man pulled out a journal and began to write. For a while, Saix had considered Xigbar to be somewhat of a disgrace to the title of Number II. It was a mere formality, he had told himself, a useless thing given to him merely because he was the second Nobody to be found by the Superior, so it went. It wasn’t because of any battle prowess, or special knowledge, or anything that would actually be useful in his position.

Those were the words he carefully spooned himself day after day, justifying how he had become, in practice if not in theory, the adjutant of the Organization, and how easy he felt it would be to slide into Xigbar’s position without a fight. After all, it had seemed as if the man had not wanted to be Number II to begin with.

Now, though...Saix had to reconsider. Not his plans, but the man whose spot he was trying to take, who he had thought was a mere pushover in the grand scheme. Who had more skill and finesse than he had imagined. Who made his breath catch in his throat.

Maybe this is what Xigbar had meant by wanting to see Saix prove himself.

Saix’s head pressed against the down of the bag, and he fell asleep, beginning to dream of home.

 

* * *

  

The city’s square burst into bloom the moment he pushed his way through the darkness. With a single step, feet found cobblestone, and the blue tinted night was lit brightly by the moon as a stage under lights. The moonlight illuminated terracotta shingled roofs, the patches of violets and zinnias, the shuttered windows clinging to white walls, all washed out into monochrome shades.

He inhaled, and he felt sharply cold air hit his lungs as though he had plunged his nose into ice water. Lea dashed out from behind him, quick steps making light taps as he turned, but did not stop, to address Isa.

“Hurry up!” Lea whisper shouted. “C’mon, we don’t have all night!”

Isa hesitantly nodded, shot out a sarcastic “You’re the one who picked the time, you know,” to cover his fear, and then began to pick up the pace, following Lea’s footsteps with unsure legs.

He was always being pulled along with Lea’s cracksure plans, always some bid to impress some other kid whose attention the redhead wanted to get. Isa was happy enough to be acknowledged as a partner in crime, as messy as their plans could end up. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder how deep their friendship really went, and if he would ever be anything more than a henchman. He supposed it must’ve meant _something_ that Lea picked him for breaking and entering, though; yet another extravagant idea in order to draw the admiration of their classmates.

If they grabbed something from the Castle’s labs, there was no way they...well, Lea...wouldn’t be applauded for it. To calm his heart, Isa looked to the bright silver moon and prayed to it for guidance.

The moment his next step fell, the scene wobbled, and Isa lost track of time and place. Suddenly, they were in the Castle’s hallways, either side flanked by ancient vases and polished suits of armor. It was dark. Cold. Isa could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Lea gripped Isa’s quivering hand, incessantly dragging him along.

“It’s this way, Isa, c’mon!” Lea’s voice sounded hundreds of thousands of miles away. “Isa, ██████!”

Panic. Isa’s eyes widened, shaking, and he strained to make out what was coming from the other’s moving lips. The hallways seemed to stretch forever now; where was the end of it?

“Lea,” he begged. “Lea, please, I don’t think this is safe, let’s just get out of here...Lea...you idiot…!”

And then, his foot fell onto nothing. He was tripping down a staircase, hurtling too fast to stop himself, so he threw out his hands to brace and-

 _Splash_.

He flailed about, opening his mouth to scream, but liquid immediately invaded his throat and nostrils, and bubbles spilled out into the rest of the substance surrounding him as he gurgled. Somehow, he was still able to breathe, he somehow was able to note while his brain screamed, while his lungs were on fire and his nerve endings were raw with panic.

He remembered, somewhere inside of the rational part of him that was rapidly being drowned out by the animalistic, thrashing part, that the Apprentices had developed some sort of liquid you could breathe. How curious and amazing that achievement had been when it was broadcast to the entire kingdom. How difficult it was to think of it as anything but horrific torture now that he was sure he was drowning in it.

Somewhere, voices were echoing. Scolding voices. Wicked laughter. There were enough gaps in his body’s haze of panic for him to realize that he was trapped inside of some sort of large test tube. The voices multiplied and pierced the glass with ease as he slammed his hands wherever they could find purchase.

Colors spun. He couldn’t orient himself. He screamed, though he had no idea if he was even making a sound. Something started tugging on him--tugging on his heart, he realized, too late--and something dark and thick and oily began to be drawn out of him, secreted like so much sweat. Darkness. His eyes tried to focus on what was outside of the container. He could only make out one thing: the eyes...the awful, awful eyes...eyes that were the color--

Saix jolted forward, his eyes temporary blinded by the bright moon as they struggled to adjust to the white light. Dream. It was a dream. He must’ve made some sort of noise, because Xigbar had turned from sitting on his sleeping bag, still scratching away at his journal, to stare at Saix quizzically.

Saix grit his teeth. It was dark, he couldn’t fathom how he looked, how much the other could see, but...oh, cold trickles of sweat were rolling down his cheeks. Surely sweat. Surely just sweat. It was already humiliating enough without his mind lingering on what else it could have possibly been..

He tried to work his locked jaw.

“Sh…” he stuttered out, and his body shook like an engine struggling to start. “Shut up…”

Xigbar hadn’t even said anything, but Saix’s preemptive shutdown did nothing to prevent him from putting down his journal and slinking over in one fluid movement. For a moment, the only movement came from Saix’s shaking, and from the collected moisture that gathered on the ceiling of the damp cave, making loud, empty echoes as they fell and splattered against the ground.

Saix barely noticed the lukewarm hand that settled firmly on his bare shoulder. The firm grip pulled him slowly back to the reality of the cave they were in, a little further from the dark recesses of his mind where, if he squinted, he could still see his child self reaching out, screaming, screaming.

A shake to his shoulder. He wished the Isa of his mind could hold onto that hand. He shook Xigbar off with a silent shrug, swallowed dryly as he finally met Xigbar’s golden eye with his own.

“What,” he said. He wanted to bite his tongue at the way his voice came out thin and weak. “Going to mock me? Get on with it. Laugh.”

“As if. If I laugh, it sure as hell isn’t gonna be because _you_ told me to.”

“It was just a nightmare.”

Xigbar let out a sigh that sounded genuinely exasperated. Saix’s torn mind wondered what memory could’ve contained that reaction.

“You and I both know Nobodies don’t dream.”

The water droplets’ noise was incessant.

Saix gnawed at his lip, and knit his eyebrows together. Xigbar’s rough knuckles pawed at the underside of Saix’s jaw, a silent ‘chin up’.

“What memory was it.” It wasn’t a question.

“Old wounds,” came the answer, hissed through clenched teeth. Fake emotions surged through Saix...or were they fake at all?

Saix was so tired that he was inclined to believe they were real. He couldn’t fight it anymore. His eyes felt waterlogged, heavy, weighed down by visions that hadn’t left. With a cold, desperate grip, he grasped his own arms, and swallowed.

“When...Lea and I. Became this way.”

The stilted answer lingered awkwardly in the air, and the subtle shift in Xigbar’s posture almost made Saix regret his decision to open up. Xigbar’s face was stony, set hard in its thought.

Saix continued.

“Lea...Axel. The fool...this is…his fault.” Not entirely, he knew. But his memories...his anger...painted the man otherwise. “Only he would do something so brash, so foolish, and drag everyone else in with him. And...now the result is that we must both suffer. For _his_ mistakes.”

His shoulders shook, and the scar on his face throbbed agonizingly.

“His mistakes...became my weakness. And now, here I am, uselessly shaken by these…! These! Memories...fake shadows of emotions!” Saix growled out, spitting, while misty eyes shone, red overlaying yellow. “Pathetic! It has been so long, and yet--”

“ _Goddamn it Saix, it’s a scar_.”

Saix’s breath halted. Xigbar had spat out those words with a deadly seriousness and was now gripping one of Saix’s wrists.

“I know well how those stick with you. Don’t think you’re the only one with weaknesses.”

He tensed as his wrist was grabbed, though it immediately went limp the moment it was guided over to the canyons carved in Xigbar’s skin. The scars that Saix had glimpsed before. Little crags and star shaped bursts of scarred flesh interrupted larger valleys, and he let his fingers be dragged over each one with a confused sense of awe. They’re all external, but from the way Xigbar averted his line of sight as he let Saix trace paths up and down chest and arms, he could tell they’d cut a fair bit deeper than merely skin.

“These aren’t weaknesses,” he said, words tumbling out his mouth before he could stop them. But he was in a daze. He couldn’t help it. “These are proper wounds. Trophies of battle.”

“Besides,” Saix murmured, withdrawing his hand. “You were a guardsman. Getting hurt in your line of duty isn’t exactly comparable; it’s expected at some p-”

“They’re older than that.” Xigbar cut him off with a sharpness to his tongue that shocked Saix entirely out of his trance. He met Saix’s gaze again, jaw firmly set.

“Probably ancient to you. I know you like to pretend you don’t have a life outside of your job, but I wasn’t exactly shoved out my mother holding arrowguns.”

The breathy, quiet ‘pft’ of air that slipped from Xigbar’s mouth was probably meant to reassure Saix that this wasn’t that big a deal...but Saix, for some reason, had a hard time accepting that. Xigbar ran his own fingers up and down a long, trailing, jagged set of scars that went up and down his left arm and shoulder like rough tree bark.

“Being in the Organization means you got some baggage. Being a Nobody at all means you got some baggage. Something got its hooks in you before you died, and now it’s keeping you tethered kicking and screaming to the mortal plane.”

 _Strength of will_ , Saix thought to himself, _was the only thing keeping a Nobody from simply not being to begin with_.

Those were day one lessons, the one thing that had been hammered into him since the beginning. They had to be strong to have survived. They needed to continue to be strong, cold, heartless if they paradoxically wanted that which made them vulnerable again back. The words had gotten to become monotonous to him, but he reconsidered the meaning now with renewed interest. He had always applied that to himself...used it to mean he was strong, that he didn’t need to rely on the others. But...naturally, it would also include the other numbered members. He had forgotten that.

Xigbar’s voice jarred him once again.

“I ran away. From home, that is.”

There was a brief shuffle as the older man shifted himself, crossing arms behind his head and leaning against the wall Saix had propped himself up on.

“Family didn’t like me much, and that was fine by me. I didn’t like them either. I was young and independent. Myself. And, hah...some people don’t like what they can’t control.”

“You never did seem like the type of man to be some broken beast of burden,” Saix said. Even he wasn’t too sure if he meant it as an insult or as a compliment.

“Yeah, well, I’m resilient. Call it a charm point.” Xigbar grinned, but it didn’t reach his remaining eye. “Anyway, I had enough one day. Big argument with Mama, Pops was screaming at me, it was time to go. We used to live in the big forested valleys away from the city. Y’know the ones, in the mountains across the bay. I didn’t take anything with me. It was dark, damp, bugs fuckin’ everywhere, and I caught myself flying through the forest without as much as a damp firestarter to my name.”

There was a lull, and Saix found himself chewing on this new information with growing confusion. He had rarely been outside the city during his life, except on expeditions required by school. The trips to the wilds of the Garden had been quiet, but aweing; he had seen firsthand how dark and thick those groves of trees were, with broad leaves the size of his face that cast shadows the size of his body, how huge the wildlife had been as a bird with what surely must have been every color of the rainbow flew past his face with talons to rival any wildcat.

How easily Lea had gotten turned around, once, in broad daylight, and how he had come out barely holding back tears as their Head Scholar scolded him for his near suicidal foolishness. That was barely covering how wet the entire area had been, from constant misting from the everpresent waterfalls and frequent summer rains.

And Xigbar had flown through that dangerous thicket under guise of night with nothing more than the clothes on his back. Saix wanted to call him a fool for it, how his parents were right to want to control him. But instead, he noted with a strange echo in his hollow chest, he wished he had been so decisive when he was a human. Wild and carefree. Xigbar flew away from his cage...when had Isa ever been so daring?

“It was stupid. I’ll say it now: it was a dumb as fuck decision. You never run into a forest without supplies, without some way of surviving if you get lost. I was born there, I knew that. But I was praying to Her Radiance even though I had never been much of a believer.” Xigbar shrugged his shoulders, with a wry smile crossing his face. “I got what I got when I tripped. Fell straight down Whistlewind Ravine.”

Saix’s eyes slid over Xigbar in disbelief. He took another, closer look at those scars. How deep some of them looked to be. How some sliced into him like a chisel into stone. Like stone into flesh.

“My arm got fucked up. I didn’t have any potions. Didn’t even know basic healing magic.” Even without him going into detail, Saix knew the extent of the injury was surely awful. “I was at the bottom of a ravine with the nearest place being the folks I had just sworn not to return to. I mean, talk about shit luck. The smartest choice of action would be to swallow my pride and go back home, if I even could. But if I turned back then...I guarantee you I never would’ve tried to run again. So I didn’t. I clawed my way forward out of that. I made it to the city...and threw away that old life like the useless junk it was.”

He flashed a glance to Saix, saw the paling look on his face, and laughed. “A professional healer took care of my arm afterwards, don’t worry.”

“Obviously. You’re here in one piece, I wasn’t worried about that. And we have no hearts to worry with, you know that.”

“As if I’d forget.”

Saix folded his hands over another in his lap, contemplating what he had heard. As a human, an experience like that would become a horrible memory. The kind that would’ve affected every step he took moving forward. If he even did move forward, after that. His hands tightened.

Would he have gone back? Why didn’t Xigbar…?

“You’re a fool,” Saix muttered. “Your body, mutilated-”

“I don’t even feel these scars anymore, Saix.” Xigbar interrupted.

“They’re just old memories, of an old time. An old me who doesn’t even apply to the newer me anymore. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.” The wicked glint in his eye told Saix he wasn’t lying.

“So you’ve got some scars, too. The internal kind. You’re acting like that sort of pain is never gonna go quiet, but those memories can’t hurt you anymore. Literally. You’re a brand new person now, complete with emotion dulling upgrades. May as well use it to your advantage...Saix.”

“A new person…” Saix echoed, quietly, tasting the phrase. “You did well for yourself in that regard. Becoming an Apprentice...is quite enviable.”

In the world of Radiant Garden, where science and progress reigned and industry was celebrated alongside nature, there wasn’t a soul, adult or child, who did not look up to the Apprentices. Ansem’s hand chosen squadron of top scientists, treated just a step below royalty themselves...Saix remembered having looked up to them with the hope of one day being able to work alongside them. Xigbar...no...Braig...had been among them. He had always imagined those Apprentices to have charmed lives from the beginning. Who could’ve known that one of them had raked their way into it merely to escape a different, uglier life?

“The best way to become a new person is to become someone with power. I didn’t want to be an Apprentice initially but…” Xigbar shrugged and traded an almost sheepish glance with Saix. “Things happen. And look at me now...Nobody or not, I make my own rules. That’s way better than being rolled over. You’re doing the same thing too, aren’t you?”

Saix’s eyes widened and he froze, but Xigbar laughed at him, firmly patting him on the back.

“Oh come on! We’ve been working together for years now, don’t think I haven’t noticed your brown nosing for the Superior being a little put on! But hey; that’s exactly what I mean. You’re getting power. Becoming a new person. As long as you remain loyal to the Organization…” He let the words hang in the air long enough to gather the gravitas they needed. “...You’re exactly on the path you need to be to throw that old you, those old memories, in the trash.”

Whether or not he was a Nobody, was he not in some way fulfilling goals his old self had dreamed of? Saix pondered the situation...pondered whether or not the past that haunted him should continue to make him miserable. He was working alongside the Apprentices now. He had some sort of respect, some sort of power. He had value. Aside from lack of a heart, which would surely be solved soon, how many of those fears from his past still held weight? Still had value? The old fears that shook his core...were memories. Learned emotion. Old emotion.

Xigbar was watching him quietly as he sorted through his thoughts, and seemed to be pondering something himself. The hand that had lingered on Saix’s back moved forward, brushing a long, wild bang away from his face.

“You’re gonna give yourself a headache with all that thinking,” he said with a tone that seemed surprisingly genuine.

And then, he planted a soft, lingering kiss on Saix’s forehead.

The moment seemed to last centuries as Saix registered what had happened. It was warm. His lips were softer than he expected. It was comforting, though Saix knew he had no memory of anything like this happening before. Perhaps his memories were knitting together pieces of multiple other memories like patchwork, struggling to approximate the feeling of a soft and gentle kiss like this, to approximate the flush that rose to his face or the way his chest almost, almost seemed to thump in response.

And then just as quickly, far too quickly, it was gone.

Xigbar started to shift back to his sleeping bag, leaving Saix feeling even emptier than he did when they had arrived. His brain started cranking overtime, the gears spinning wildly.

 _No, come back_ , he found himself thinking. _Please, do that again. Wait...what am I thinking?_

His hand inched forward, fingers quietly outstretched in a quiet plea before he could stop himself. Ridiculous. Stupid. Just what was he trying to chase? He shook his head and tried to regain his usual stoicism, but no matter how hard he tried to push those thoughts from his head, he found himself floundering. Xigbar turned around and stared at him, as though aware of the internal battle taking place.

And he smirked.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have done that...there’s no way you’re going to stop thinking now, are you?” His tone was wry, quickly having rebounded back to the verbal equivalent of a cat toying with a mouse.

Somehow, it failed to annoy Saix. It merely was how Xigbar was. It was, in a way...exactly what he wanted from the man.

“Was that your intention?”

“Figured I’d have to give you something better to dream about or else you’d never fall back asleep.”

“You know we don’t dream. You told me as much. And Nobodies don’t require sleep. It’s merely for comfort’s sake.”

“Huh...is that so?’ Xigbar’s smile grew. “I never knew. Isn’t it nice, to learn things? Even an old scientist like me’s still discovering something new.”

 _Liar_ , Saix thought as he watched Xigbar finally crawl back under his downy covers, back turned to his companion.

His mind continued to work, fixating now on the rising and falling of Xigbar’s scarred shoulder and back as he quickly descended into sleep. The way the moon, light filtering into the cave, lit tanned skin so beautifully like polished amber. Nobodies were dead. They were no better than animated corpses.

Still, Saix had imagined warmth when Xigbar had touched him. He had felt his fingertips and eartips burn, felt his body stoke itself like a steam engine’s flame. He wondered how that warmth may have felt around him while he slept.

He wondered, until he fell asleep.


End file.
